happy holidays?

I was planning on writing a great, end of the year/ Happy Holidays post. However, I am not in a good mood, and this holiday season has hit us hard. Both financially and emotionally.

My dad is sick. He'll be ok, but he is in pain, and probably will be until the end of the month.
Our house is freezing. We have old (most not working) baseboard heaters. Only a few are still working, but they are woefully in-efficient. We also have a wood stove, but not enough wood. It also only heats up the back living room and my parents room, even if we have a fan blowing heat to the front of the house. So here I sit, with wool slippers, jeans, a sweater and a fleece blanket, on the couch, still freezing.
My grandma is in the hospital. She has COPD, diabetes, pneumonia, has been given a breathing tube down her throat, and (I am not sure on the number of) large blood transfusion (4 pints). My mom had went to visit recently, and shared photos. This was before the hospitalization. She looked terrible, bloated, not mobile AT ALL. Fast forward to (?) Friday. My asshole uncles - who all still live at home, but do nothing to help their mother- get into a fight, which stresses my grandma enough that she has chest pains and asks to go to the hospital. It was all down hill from there. I don't think she has much longer to live. Part of it has been her COPD, making it difficult for her to be active in the begining (almost a year ago), but mostly her untreated depression. She hasn't WANTED to be active or healthy. Now I just wish I had a car, so I could drive my mom to see her and visit one last time. And I am angry at my uncles for being so fucking selfish that they couldn't help their own mother, but instead harass my two aunts who have been taking care of her. They also have decided it was more important to spend any money they do have on booze, rather than food, and get into fights like teenagers (they are all in there late 40s, early 50s). FUCK. I just want to see her one last time, kiss her, and tell her I love her again. It doesn't help that I can't get any accurate info on her condition because my aunts (who care, but aren't the best at details) can't pass on info to my mom, who even if they did, would still probably not pass on exact info either. Last night, it was "She is going to die, probably a matter of hours", today, who knows? I love her, but just want her to pass on peacefully. Then she won't be in any pain anymore, or depressed, and my uncles will then have to deal with finding and affording a place to stay as well as food (all which my grandma currently provides). Personally, I think all but one will end up homeless or in a shelter.
As for gift giving. well. I love Christmas. My family has never celegrated it religiously, always secularly. For us, it is a time for gift giving and good food. I don't even know what we are going to get our daughter for christmas. The adults in my immediate family (sisters, the spouses, parents and one uncle- dads brother, not the previously mentioned uncles) all draw a name for a 'secret' santa gift giving. Jasons family gets together Christmas Eve, and eat, do a gift game (I have no clue what it is called) for the adults. Kids get to open some gifts, and everyone then gets to have christmas morning at home, with no running around. :) It's all fun, but being broke makes it harder to find gifts I WANT to give. I was able to get some pretty fiber batts for giving to a few friends, and spun up some for two other friends. I just really want the holidays to be over.

An ongoing stressor for me has been living with my parents. They are not bad roomies. Quite the opposite. The problem has to do with perspectives. My mom does the majority of the house work (not by design). This happens because she and I have very different priorities. I would rather be spending time with my daughter, knitting, spinning, or reading than doing housework. My mom though, has no hobbies. So it is usually she who can't let the dishes sit, or mop and sweep constantly (it never looks like it was done, since the dogs all run in and out as they please, leaving paw prints and doggie hair every where). She also gets passive-agressive about messy toys, or my fibers, yarns or projects sitting out. Since she doesn't have any hobbies, I don't think she understands why it is out, and not all crammed into closets or always out of sight.
I keep wanting to sell our house, and move into an apartment close to Jasons work. I keep wanting to say "fuck it" about waiting for the house to gain some equity before we sell. I just want out. I didn't like the house when we bought it ( mostly to save my dad from forclosure ) and it is not ideal, has shitty heating, poor layout, and I just don't like living with other people. But also, giving up homeownership, and the security and future financial needs (college for Peanut) is scarey. I did not grow up in a family who had that sort of financial responsibilty. The home my grandma has lived in for 40 years? A rental. At the end of her life, she has nothing to show for it but photos and momentos. No security for her needed care or as a legacy to any of her heirs. I DON'T want that for us.

Well. Hasn't this been a chipper post? I did start taking St. Johns Wort, to help even out my moods, maybe I won't feel so overwhelmed in a week or two when my body has adjusted. All I know, is I want to stop crying and being so pissed all the time.

having no insurance sucks

it really does. ***warning lots of complaining ahead***

i want to try to have baby #2, but i need to have my iud removed first. No insurance means money up front and a longer wait for an appointment.

i am also fairly certain i suffer from some sort of depression. never been diagnosed since, again, i have no insurance. lately i have been very blase' about finishing any knitting. i have casted on about a million projects, but having a 22 month old makes it hard to get good knitting in, specially when i often don't have the right needle size, or space to knit in period. Living with my parents has it pluses (dad is a great cook, mom does the majority of the cleaning- honestly she doesn't seem to mind, and the fact that we have totally different views on what is a 'mess', she usually feels compelled to clean up a lot sooner than i do) but it also has draw backs (because she feels compelled to clean, it is unthinkable that i have a constant space in which to knit/craft (because the yarn & paraphernalia is c-l-u-t-t-e-r!!!! and she doesn't have any hobbies so doesn't get that it SUCKS to have to shove everything away mid project because, to her, it's cluttering the desk/table/shelf), or that i cannot keep crappy food out of the house). it also sucks that i don't have a car of my own anymore, so i feel stuck, which is very difficult to deal with when i want to be far, far away from the house. did i mention that my mom can be VERY passive aggressive? and will never just be straight forward and ask when she wants help or listen to other opinions when she thinks she knows better (like potty training, or pretty much anything parenting).

I am also at a loss as to what to do with myself in the long term sense. i frequently get great ideas of things i could do from home, or in a small shop but i lack the knowledge of how to go about getting loans or starting up a business. not having reliable, constant transportation is a major setback here too. and as for knitting online communities (or parenting ones) i haven't felt like participating. i really wish i could crawl into a craft room and hide away for weeks. i have to force myself to go to knit night once a week just to be with people i am not related to.

and back to the 2nd baby. DHs sister is pregnant (for the sixth time. 4 are in foster care, the 5th was aborted) and has told DH she'll be aborting this one too. I am having so many issues with this from many different thoughts. First of all, she is using abortions as birth control. second, i told dh i would be more than happy to adopt the baby if she would let us. i truly think if she knew this, she wouldn't have the abortion. but i know that dh won't tell her, because i think it makes him uncomfortable, so for a week now i have been crying and feeling more depressed because all i can think about is this innocent baby being aborted because my DH feels uncomfortable talking to his sister about it. and it brings me back to the dreaded feeling that i won't be able to get pregnant again because we can't afford for me to see a endocrinologist specialist to get another prescription for parlodel so that my prolactin levels will lower enough for me to have a normal menstrual cycle. with out the parlodel, my levels are so high that my body won't release an egg or stop lactating (when i was first diagnosed as having a pituitary tumor, we had insurance; my prolactin level was in the high 90's. normal is between 3-22).

and i checked the WA state website for government assistance. because of living with my parents, we have to account for their income as well, so with just 5 of us living here, we are over qualified except for child health care assistance (which we would still have to pay part of, so not sure how helpful that really is *eyeroll*). and why don't we have insurance? because my dhs boss decided a few years ago to commit insurance fraud and add his parents(they didn't live with him, or work for him). the insurance company found out, canceled coverage, and no company will give him health insurance now. We are praying and crossing our fingers that dh is able to get a job with Boeing. at least then we'll have some sort of insurance.

having no insurance sucks.